happy mothers day!! surprise you’re carrying my child
people who do math homework in pen are fearless
in my house there are only two water temperatures: winter is coming and fire cannot kill a dragon
I hate myself but I still think I’m better than everybody else
I hate people but I’d love to be in a relationship
I love food but I don’t want to get fat
I want money but dont want a job
look it’s my entire life in a post
do you ever just “what the fuck is the point” so hard that you stop everything you’re doing and stare and pretty much wonder why you don’t vanish from existence because the level of done you are should pretty much deconstruct your biological makeup
*gets homework out of bag* i think that’s enough homework for one day
“Is it push or pull” I panic to myself as the doors come closer
in 5th grade they made my class do a seminar thing on drugs and we had to sign an anti-drug pledge and afterwards they gave us these really fancy certificates declaring that we would be drug free forever and i ended up rolling a joint with mine in freshman year so there u go
i almost spit my beer out
Corporate social media accounts just remind me of this:
my talents include sleeping eating and thinking of a good comeback two hours after someone has said something rude to me
Husband animates joke about tortilla chips told by his drunk wife.
- me: wow i finally understand math
- moves on to next question
- me: what the hell is this
